A Father's Love

At the end of March Clark and I took an unplanned trip to Orlando for my sister-in-law Meredith's father's funeral. They were really close, so his passing was a great loss to their family. Because Clark and I had the ability to get in the car and go I felt it was important to be there for such an important event in my sister's life. I am so glad we went. Clark was an amazing trooper in the car and I was blessed to be able to go to the funeral and hear more about a man I knew, but only from several informal group gatherings.

As a parent, things hit me differently than they did before I have children. I used to laugh at my mom for crying over everything, but now I understand. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, but I think it's more a mommy's heart than anything. Anytime I hear about a hurting child, a parent who has lost a child or who is having to watch their child go through something difficult or a child who has overcome amazing odds to come out victorious I end up in a puddle of tears. I always imagine what it would be like if it was Clark.

The reason I mention this is because I also watch parents and study the methods of others trying to gather any helpful information to make me a better parent. At the funeral, Meredith and her two siblings gave the eulogy. It wasn't a typical eulogy, but instead more of a sharing session where they had a chance to share their memories of their father and the impact he had on their lives. The thing I remember most clearly was what Meredith's older sister said. She said that her dad always made it clear he loved them and that he was proud of them. When she graduated from college and got a job as an engineer her father was convinced she could run to company better than anyone there. She knew he was proud of her. Then, when her first child was born she decided to quit her job and stay home to raise him. She thought her father might be disappointed that she was "wasting her talents and schooling" but was surprised when he let her know how proud of her he was in the decision she had made and knew she would be the best parent. She said, "At that point knew without a doubt that he wasn't proud of me for what I could do, he was proud of me for me because I was his daughter. He didn't care what I did, he loved me and was proud of me because of who I was." What a testimony of a wonderful parent! I pray that my children will know that I love them because of who they are, not because of what they do. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be proud of what they do as well and pray they make good decisions and use the gifts God gives them to advance his kingdom, but my love for them is not conditional on their actions.

Often I have to stop and remind myself to communicate this to Clark. As a stubborn two year old boy he can make me want to pull my hair out some days. After several meltdowns, refusing to cooperate and directly disobeying repeatedly my patience is completely gone. I have learned I have a lot less patience than I thought I had. I taught school for goodness sake, I thought I had patience. Haha! What a joke. I only had them for 7 hours a day and then I sent them home. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of the same battles over brushing teeth, putting on shoes, taking a nap and sitting in the highchair are a whole different ball game. When the moment of frustration has passed I have to remember to tell Clark I love him no matter what. I'm a lot happier and easier to live with when he's obedient, but I love him no matter what. It's too easy to convey the message of "I love you when you obey, but not when you disobey" without even realizing it. I pray Clark (and Reagan) never doubt my (and Michael's) love for them and that they can see an example of their Heavenly Father's unconditional love though us. My sin gets in the way continually, but I pray if they only remember one thing about their parents it's that they loved them. Thanks Heather for the testimony of your father's love and the lesson it taught me.