A Father's Love

At the end of March Clark and I took an unplanned trip to Orlando for my sister-in-law Meredith's father's funeral. They were really close, so his passing was a great loss to their family. Because Clark and I had the ability to get in the car and go I felt it was important to be there for such an important event in my sister's life. I am so glad we went. Clark was an amazing trooper in the car and I was blessed to be able to go to the funeral and hear more about a man I knew, but only from several informal group gatherings.

As a parent, things hit me differently than they did before I have children. I used to laugh at my mom for crying over everything, but now I understand. I could chalk it up to pregnancy hormones, but I think it's more a mommy's heart than anything. Anytime I hear about a hurting child, a parent who has lost a child or who is having to watch their child go through something difficult or a child who has overcome amazing odds to come out victorious I end up in a puddle of tears. I always imagine what it would be like if it was Clark.

The reason I mention this is because I also watch parents and study the methods of others trying to gather any helpful information to make me a better parent. At the funeral, Meredith and her two siblings gave the eulogy. It wasn't a typical eulogy, but instead more of a sharing session where they had a chance to share their memories of their father and the impact he had on their lives. The thing I remember most clearly was what Meredith's older sister said. She said that her dad always made it clear he loved them and that he was proud of them. When she graduated from college and got a job as an engineer her father was convinced she could run to company better than anyone there. She knew he was proud of her. Then, when her first child was born she decided to quit her job and stay home to raise him. She thought her father might be disappointed that she was "wasting her talents and schooling" but was surprised when he let her know how proud of her he was in the decision she had made and knew she would be the best parent. She said, "At that point knew without a doubt that he wasn't proud of me for what I could do, he was proud of me for me because I was his daughter. He didn't care what I did, he loved me and was proud of me because of who I was." What a testimony of a wonderful parent! I pray that my children will know that I love them because of who they are, not because of what they do. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to be proud of what they do as well and pray they make good decisions and use the gifts God gives them to advance his kingdom, but my love for them is not conditional on their actions.

Often I have to stop and remind myself to communicate this to Clark. As a stubborn two year old boy he can make me want to pull my hair out some days. After several meltdowns, refusing to cooperate and directly disobeying repeatedly my patience is completely gone. I have learned I have a lot less patience than I thought I had. I taught school for goodness sake, I thought I had patience. Haha! What a joke. I only had them for 7 hours a day and then I sent them home. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of the same battles over brushing teeth, putting on shoes, taking a nap and sitting in the highchair are a whole different ball game. When the moment of frustration has passed I have to remember to tell Clark I love him no matter what. I'm a lot happier and easier to live with when he's obedient, but I love him no matter what. It's too easy to convey the message of "I love you when you obey, but not when you disobey" without even realizing it. I pray Clark (and Reagan) never doubt my (and Michael's) love for them and that they can see an example of their Heavenly Father's unconditional love though us. My sin gets in the way continually, but I pray if they only remember one thing about their parents it's that they loved them. Thanks Heather for the testimony of your father's love and the lesson it taught me.

It's a girl!

So, obviously it's been a long time since I posted anything. For a while, Clark was getting his two year molars and decided 45 minutes was the longest he would nap. Since I usually write blog posts while he's napping, I decided to clean house, do laundry, complete my Bible study, etc instead of blogging since I had such a short amount of time. Now that his molars are in (Praise God!) he's gone back to normal naps. Maybe I'll get back to blogging more consistently, but I won't promise.

Our big news this week is we found out we're having a girl!!! We found out five days ago and I still can't contain myself I'm so excited! I truly don't think I thought it was possible it was a girl, so I was trying to get as excited as I could anticipating the news we were having another boy. Now, don't get me wrong, I love boys and I wouldn't trade my boy for anything in the entire world. I know if we had another boy I would have loved him just as much as I love Clark and I couldn't have imagined my life without him. I kept also reminding myself that this is our second child, the same number child as Michael is in his family. Obviously his parents were probably hoping he was a girl since they already had a boy, but my life would be so different if he weren't a part of it. I kept thinking, if this baby is a boy he's going to bless someone else's life the way Michael has blessed mine. So, I was fully prepared to be excited when the ultrasound tech told us we were having a boy. When she said it was a girl I didn't believe her at first. I actually made her go back and double check just to be sure.

Several people have said, "Oh that's perfect you're having a girl, now you can have one of each and don't have to have any more children." It surprised me the first time someone said it. I love children and we would love to have more than two children. I don't see this as completing our family, but instead from this point on I don't care if we have boys or girls. If this baby had been a boy I would have really wanted a girl next time around, but since this one's a girl I don't care in the future.

That was a long explanation, but those were just the crazy things running around in my pregnant brain.

The best news we received at the sonogram is that our little girl is very healthy. The doctor said she rarely has a time when there isn't something on the sonogram they want to go back and check later to make sure there isn't a problem, but she said on ours the tech was able to find everything she was looking for and the baby looks perfectly healthy. Obviously this is a huge answer to prayer for me. Every night when I'm putting Clark to bed we pray for him and for our baby. I always pray that God would knit him/her (now I can pray for her specifically) together perfectly and that her little organs would form in just the right way. Praise God for the work he's been doing in creating our little baby! We are beside ourselves with thankfulness.

And baby makes 4

As many of you already know, we found out in October that we're expecting baby #2 June 16th. We found out three days after our insurance kicked in. Talk about God's timing!! We weren't planning to have another baby quite so soon after moving, but we were super excited nontheless. Clark will be two years four months before the baby comes so he'll be much more independent than he is now. He points out babies everywhere we go. He doesn't have to see the actual baby, just the infant car seat is enough. He gets excited and says, "baby, mama, baby!" Hopefully this is a good sign that he'll be a caring big brother and love the baby that will be living in our house. He's been sweet with our friend's babies when we've hung out. He's gentle and and kind of pets their heads. He likes for them to hold his finger and seemed concerned to bring them toys.

From the very beginning we knew this baby would be special (not that all babies aren't) because it was a gift from God we weren't expecting. Then when I was six weeks along we had a little scare and thought we might be losing the baby. I've had several friends who have been though miscarriages in the last few years and I can only imagine the grief of losing a baby. Our scare gave me a new empathy I had only imagined but never experienced. As I found myself unable to stop crying for some reason (I believe it was from the Holy Spirit to bring me comfort) the Old Testament story of Hezekiah came to mind. It was almost as if God spoke directly to me and said, "Plead for your baby's life. When you cry, pray. I am in control of your baby." I began praying continually that God would spare our baby's life. I just kept thinking, "God told Hezekiah directly through a prophet that he was going to die. That sounds pretty definite and final. Yet, because Hezekiah pleaded with God and cried to him for help, God changed his mind and gave Hezekiah 15 more years to live." If God could do that when he had already declared he would die, he could certainly save my baby's life even when the outward signs weren't encouraging.

We were in Orlando when all of this happened so I called my dr there and they said I could go to the emergency room but they thought I was probably ok and could just wait it out. Praise God, the symptoms went away and when I went to the doctor here in Mississippi when I got home they did a sonogram and saw and heard a strong heartbeat. Everything looked great. Praise God for answered prayer!!! It was just another confirmation that this baby has a special purpose. I keep praying that God will use he/she mightily in his kingdom and bring many to himself through his/her life (of course I pray that same for Clark).

Of course there is no guarantee that everything will be ok from this point on. I have never understood leaning on God and depending on him as completely until becoming a parent. Knowing I have to trust him continually for my own life and health is one thing, but trusting him with my child and now children is a completely different kind of trust. Instead of worrying continually (which might be my natural tendency as a mother) I must give them over completely to God and trust him to care for them. They're gifts from him and I have to thank him and trust him to keep them safe.

So I guess this is a strange way to announce we're having another baby but God spoke to my heart through our "scare" and made me daily thankful when everything continues to go well. With Clark everything was fine and I kind of took it for granted. Knowing how quickly things can change and how devastating it is to even imagine something going wrong gives me a new appreciation for good doctor's reports and healthy babies. I praise him for our baby and pray continually for safety and health throughout this pregnancy and beyond.

Here's the first peak we got of our baby. It kind of looks like a cocoon . Now our baby has arms and legs and even fingernails and tooth buds (under the gums). We won't have another sonogram until around 20 weeks when we'll hopefully find out if it's a boy or girl, so this glimpse will have to suffice until then.

What's my piece of fruit?

This week I taught Jr. High Sunday School because their regular teacher was leading a group on the Walk to Emmaus. I usually help with High School Sunday School, but I haven't actually taught anything yet. My job so far has been to be there to get to know the students and interject anything I feel needs to be said. It's nice because there's no preparation and if Clark is sick and I can't be there I don't have to get a substitute.

Because I don't have to prepare I think I miss out on some of the richness of the lessons. As much as lesson preparation was a burden when I was teaching full-time, now it's actually kind of exciting. I got so much more from the lesson because I had to come up with my own illustrations/examples and be familiar enough with the Scripture to teach on it. Hopefully it connected with the students because I know it impacted me.

The lesson was on wonder. Sounds strange I know. It was on how we should wonder at God because he is awesome. We marvel at his creation and learn something about his attention to details and creativity. We see our own sinfulness and are awestruck that he would give his Son to redeem us when we wanted nothing to do with him. In this life we get small glimpses of the wonder of God, but we can never really comprehend it.

It talked about how so often the things we hear in church and read in the Bible become like "white noise" because we've heard them so many times. We don't wonder at them anymore because they've become mundane. The Scripture we looked at was in Genesis 3 where the serpent tempted Eve and she and Adam ate the forbidden fruit. They had the life. They lived in a perfect garden where they physically walked with God, there was no sin, no one had ever disappointed them or hurt them, they had everything they needed. They traded all that for a piece of fruit. When Satan, through the serpent, tempted them he made God sound like a human being. He took away God's wonder and made it sound like God was holding back something good from them or he was jealous and didn't want them to be like him. He said, "You will not surely die, for God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." He lied to them and didn't tell them all the consequences of knowing good and evil. Little did they know when they ate that piece of fruit that they would be kicked out of the garden, lose direct fellowship with God, work fruitlessly and their oldest son would even kill their younger son. They traded perfection for a piece of fruit.

Of course the point of the lesson wasn't to point the finger at Adam and Eve and say, "Why did you do that?" because we know that any of us in the same situation probably would have done the same thing. The point of the lesson was to ask ourselves "What is our piece of fruit?" What is that thing or things that we place above God and are satisfied with having instead of all God has offered and promised? I thought of a few things before I taught the lesson, but since then it keeps running though my mind, "There's another piece of fruit." It seems that when I get ready to get rid of all the noise and distractions to spend time with God there's always something that comes up that seems more important. Suddenly playing on the computer, checking my facebook, playing words with friends, vacuuming the floor, washing the dishes in the sink, calling a friend on the phone and so many other stupid little things take presidence over wondering at God and spending time with him. Ironically, when I do manage to say no to all my "pieces of fruit" I am never disappointed. I never come away from a Bible study time and think, "Man that was a waste of time." God never disappoints and he always shows me something I didn't see before or reminds me of something about himself or myself that I had forgotten.

Of course it's a little ironic that I sit here on the computer writing about this when my Bible study for today sits in the living room yet to be done, but I had to write while it was fresh on my mind and convicting my heart. It was a much needed reminder to me to prioritize and not let the "pieces of fruit" in my life get in the way of my wonder of God.

Sweet Clark has returned

The last couple months have been trying in the parenting department. Clark has been ornery, defiant and all around difficult to deal with. I thought (hoped) maybe it was a product of all the craziness of life and moving, but once we were settled it didn't improve. I am thrilled to report he has had two good days in a row. His sweetness has come back and he's been a joy to be around. Of course he still has his moments, but overall it has been a welcome change. We have had fun playing with his toys, wrestling on the floor and playing chase. His cute babbles have returned, the high pitch screaming has become less often and he has started obeying occasionally. I'm praising God for this and hoping it becomes to new normal. Michael says not to count on it, but I'm hopeful.

Every night as a part of our bedtime routine I pray for Clark (since he can't really talk yet) as I'm putting him in bed. I always thank God for Clark and for the good gift he is to our family. I pray God will give us wisdom as parents and help us to raise Clark to love him and that he would show Clark how much we love him and how much he loves him. I'm so thankful for these sweet moments with Clark. I love my boy!

Trying out e-mealz

E-mealz was recommended to me by my sister-in-law and a friend in Jacksonville. It's also endorsed by financial planning guru Dave Ramsey. It's an online meal plan that tells you exactly what to buy, how much it will cost at your selected store and how to prepare the meals. It's supposed to save you time and money because you shop according to the sales at the stores, use all of the ingredients you buy and the grocery list is sorted by the sections of the store so you don't skip anything and have to walk in circles around the store (which I am prone to doing). A few months ago I checked into it, but decided that because of my picky eater it wouldn't work well for us. This week I decided to give it a try. After doing our budget when we moved I realized (again) that food is a category where we could save money with better planning.

Michael looked over the meals and said he could eat all of them (with only a few modifications) so we headed out to Wal-Mart for our first shopping trip using the pre-planned list. Just for the record I hate shopping at Wal-Mart, but it's our cheapest option in VIcksburg. After a long and frustrating trip through the store I was shocked to find I spent more than I EVER have on groceries (ever in my entire life!). I usually spend more at Wal-Mart since I buy things other than groceries that I wouldn't buy at Publix or Kroger, but this was ridiculous!

I haven't made any of the meals yet, but I think I was doing better at budgeting my meals than I thought. Only time will tell, but if my next trip proves to be like this one, I won't be recommending e-mealz. Hopefully next time will be must more cost-effective. I'll report back in a week or two.

The latest from Mississippi

I've been slacking on the blogging. The battery in our computer decided to go kaput so it has to be plugged in all the time. Clark loves to unplug it so we haven't been using it as much as we used to. Most of the time the computer sits on the counter in the kitchen where it's not too comfortable to stand and type. Right now Clark is napping, so between shuffling loads of laundry between the washer, dryer and folding them, I'm going to attempt to write a blog.

Our family room has had a complete makeover in the last week. We've never had two living spaces so we only had furniture for the living room when we moved in. We put the futon from the guest room out in the family room and used one of the chairs from the living room so we'd have something to sit on. We spend most of our time in the family room since all of Clark's toys are in there as well as the TV. When we moved in the kitchen, dining room and family room were all painted a color called "Lemon Meringue." It wasn't a bad color, but it didn't go with any of our furniture. We've been waiting years to paint a room a blueish/greenish/grayish color we've loved for a long time. Because we were renting we never had the ability to change the wall color. Since we didn't like the yellow, we decided it was finally our chance to paint and room "our color" as we've started calling it.

Mom, Alison and Caroline came this week to visit. They came to see us, our new home and mostly to see Clark. While they were here we had the crazy idea of painting. They enthusiastically helped (except Caroline didn't paint, but she did make us chocolate chip cookies to keep us going and get some of her homework done). We painted two nights after Clark went to bed and got all three rooms finished (including taping, first and second coat of paint and pictures put back on the wall in less than 8 hours total). Having extra hands made the job go so much faster. A family in the church who have been a huge help to us in moving in and getting settled were getting new living room furniture and offered us a club chair. When they brought it we realized their couch matched our new paint color so we traded the couch we had (that someone else in the church had generously given us when we didn't have any furniture) for their couch. We had purchased a carpet remnant to go in the room so it'd be more cozy, but when we got it home I hated the color. Once we got the "new" furniture the carpet looked good. So, in a matter of four days our family room has had a complete transformation. I am sitting in the comfy club chair with my feet propped up on the ottoman as I write. I thank God for generous people who have helped make our house feel more like a home.

Since the beginning of July when we started all the moving craziness Clark's behavior has been horrible. He used to be so sweet but he has begun screaming (high pitch, shrill, leave your ears ringing screaming) anytime he doesn't like how something is going. It makes me blood pressure rise immediately. He has become so stubborn and doesn't the opposite of anything I ask him to do. I have tried to be consistent with discipline and have tried everything I know to discourage his bad behavior and encourage good behavior. I wish I could report that we have found the magic trick and he's a perfect little angel. Of course if I said that you'd know I was lying. What I have learned is how much I need grace in my parenting. I don't feel like I have a clue what I'm doing and whatever I instinctively want to do usually doesn't work. I've taught school for 8 years and dealt with lots of badly behaved children, but it's a different story when it's my own child and I have him 24/7. Obviously I've been deceiving myself all this time thinking I had patience. I have learned that I have none. I see my own sinfulness so much more clearly as I try to deal with Clark. I also have a greater appreciation for my Heavenly Father who has patience with me when I continually disobey. He doesn't get mad and yell at me when I do the same things over and over. He never refuses to forgive because he's too frustrated with my behavior. While I wish my efforts in parenting would start having some effect on my child's behavior I am thankful for the way God is teaching me about my own heart and drawing me to himself through my own shortcomings and my child's disobedience.

It sounds like my next load of laundry is done and Clark is awake, so I'll sign off for now. These were just a few random updates from life in Mississippi.

Oh, and I don't think it's quite sunk in with this Florida girl that I am a resident of Mississippi now, but just today we got a Mississippi license plate for one of the cars and I'm getting my driver license switched over today or tomorrow so I guess that will make it more real. So far I like Mississippi and I thank God for the wonderful people we've met. He has provided for us far beyond our expectations!